Two years ago we were on our way to NY. It wasn't the family vacation we had pictured but we were doing it because my mom was battling cancer.  It has been two years since we have had a vacation and mentally we all need one more now then ever. We have been at our worst recently trying to get back to our best. I keep trying to figure out ways to escape Alabama and get the emotional break I need but things don't come together. I'm pretty heart broken about spending the kids summer doing nothing. Mia was so excited yesterday and was like we are going to NC this week. It was so sad to tell her we weren't. Please Lord help us.

Well today I only cried twice. I have cried more in the last 16 months than in the prior 16 years. As I sit here lost in my own mind my work for today is done. The children have been fed, the dishes done. One in the living room playing mindcraft while the other is playing call of duty with his dad. All my lives have been used up on my mindless apps and now I have nothing to do but think. Which really is my worst possible option. That is where my depression comes from. Lost in the loneliness of myself. Going over and over again ways that I might change this outcome. Nothing pans out and I get emotional and sad. I am at the bottom trying my damndest to climb out. My problems are my own. I try not to burden others with how low my life has become. My best friend just had a baby so I don't want to lean on her she is stressed as it is. I want to be here for her if she needs me. See this is one of my problems. I am use to being the rock. Being strong, being there for everyone else. I keep hearing people say hold on. I can't hold on anymore I have been dangling for a thread for months.

I'm sitting here on my back porch having my morning coffee feeling trapped. My Littles are inside crashed out in the living room. Clearly they are trying to make the most of their summer break. I ever so grateful for them and would be even more lost without them. BUT in this moment as a parent I am failing them. They left everything they ever knew when their daddy got out of the marines. We have tried to make the transition easier on them, but it isn't. They exist in alabama. Their days are mainly spent playing with eachother or online playing some video game. They don't know if they will ever see their friends again. 16 months of loneliness is a long time for a kid. They haven't made new connections, we can't afford to support any after school activities. So it's just the kids and I most the time. We don't get to travel to the aquarium or go to the zoo. We can barely afford to eat right now. I just keep wondering when is enough enough already? Where is our break? We  keep adjusting fire but never hitting the target. Lord we need an answer please help us. I feel like we have spent the last 3 years waiting on the stars to align but instead we have been thrown down the mountain as we try to climb back up. Pat is miserable in his work and I am miserable in our home. They say when you want something you have to go out and take it. This is exactly what we have been trying to do. Whether it is simply applying for jobs in nc or the army reserves I'm hopes of an agr slot. We are trying and I just don't know what else we have left to give. We have always been able to fix the situation and now no matter how hard we try we can't. LORD have mercy on us show us your grace please.

Another let down

And the blows keep coming, one right after the next. My hubby was supposed to go away to AIT which would have allowed for the kids and I to get out of this place for a bit and it would have helped him get his agr package together because he would have a mos in the army's eyes. It would have also financially helped. We found out he won't be going which quickly killed my hope of escaping this hell hole. That was the first blow... the second was finding out my hubby didn't get selected for a job that he is more than qualified for. This job would have taken us back home, back where we want to be. Devastated is an understatement. For the past 16 months we have been trying to find a way out. A way back to where we belong. Right now it is like we are in foreign land. This culture is not ours. We long for our friends and people with morals. This is our second summer here in alabama and it is turning out to be just as crappy as our first. The kids sleep all day and play video games all night. Who can blame them when there isnt anything to look forward to waking up for. No friends to hang out with, no places to visit, no travel planned. Just 100 degrees with and an ac that won't keep up. Memories should be in the making, instead they are day dreaming of their past.

Why do I bother?

I get my hopes up, make plans to get out of this hell hole even just for a week or two, and then it all comes crashing down. I was so looking forward to escaping with my babies. I make plans and God laughs at me. I am still at the bottom trying to claw my way up. Just once something work out damn it!!!!

Had a bad day again....

Today wasn't a good day.  After deciding and writing my first post I spent the day flooded with thoughts and emotions. I could have probably written a novel but figured that would be over kill. I fought off crying three or four times today and managed to cry for a few minutes but quickly pulled it together.
We weren't living a luxurious life in the military but our basic needs were met. We always had plenty of food and a couple extra bucks in the bank. We were able to take the kids to the movies or splurge on a fun weekend every once in a while. We were happy, we had friends, we were content with our lives and weren't lacking in much.
Today as I opened my fridge I began to tear up. I didn't settle on anything to eat until after noon and when I did it was a $1 protein bar. I don't have a fridge full off fresh fruit and vegetables like I use to. I have bare minimum. I can't always afford my protein for my smoothies. Most days I go without proper nutrition because I can't afford to eat healthy anymore, so mainly I don't eat. I do eat everyday just once maybe twice now. You see I am trying to make every dollar stretch and make this new life seemless for my kids. So I go without plenty so they don't notice the lack of funds.
It makes me sad and I barely workout now. I get working out and then I can't afford the fuel for my body which in turn depresses me. Every so often I am lucky enough to fill the fridge with plenty of veggies and in that moment I am happy. But it doesn't last long and before I know it I am cooking boxed meals for the family and cheap processed crap because that is what my budget allows for.
It's been 15 months and I just keep waiting for it to get better.
Today was extra lonely because I don't have anyone to talk to about my stress. My husband is just as stressed as I am so I try not to add to it.
It's HARD! I never thought it would be this hard. I am alone most days almost all day other than the time spent watching my kids play mindcraft. My husband works crazy hours and sleeps when he can. His schedule is never the same for more than a week or two. Plus he drills and has other commitments. So I sit with this burden. What did I do wrong? How can I fix this? My mind constantly is running. I fall asleep every night praying to God. I pray for direction.
Today just felt off. My husband and I weren't in sync and I let that get to me. He was searching for part time work when clearly he has no time to work this job he is looking for. I have looked for work, I have applied for jobs but being a military wife who raised the kids has kept

me home for the last 10 years. I can't have open hours because of his career and my kids. In a world where job hunting is now so impersonal I am the bottom of the barrel for candidates. It makes me feel like a failure. I feel like I am failing my family. When in reality I was trying to provide them with the support they all needed for the last 10 years.
It's not easy running a household and raising two children when your spouse is gone all the time, but I did it with ease compared to this life.
We moved here on the hopes of a job that my husband didn't even get and the faith that being by family would be enough support. Neither of those has deemed true. I long for my old life. I miss my military family who I could always count on to have my six. I miss my friends, the cookouts, even the craziness of the neighborhood because by gosh that was nothing compared to real life here. I am lost here in this foreign state.

A little back story

A little back story...
My husband joined the marines in 2003. We married in 2004. He deployed on numerous occasions missing many important life events. We have two children and our whole family lived the military life. We loved it, we were proud, we gladly sacrificed for our country. In late 2013 we learned that he wouldn't be promoted and would have to get out of the marines in April of 2014. I felt betrayed, thrown away, lost. I still struggle with the outcome after 11 years he gave our country.

Fast forward to current date and it's been 15 months since we left our life at camp lejeune for this civilian life.

Neither of us has found our purpose or calling and the struggle is something that we both are dealing with daily. It is hard to put into words all that we are dealing with.
I am hoping to use this blog to help me work through my emotions as I can't afford groceries most days let alone a therapist.